


Maybe we're just moments

by brandneweyesz



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bottom Harry, Canon Compliant, F/M, Infidelity, Love, M/M, Smut, Top Zayn Malik, X-Factor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:09:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23576698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandneweyesz/pseuds/brandneweyesz
Summary: Harry, he was just a boy, now a man who thought he had everything he wanted, he could have anything in the world he desired. Until he met a boy, now a man; he never thought he couldn’t have.He never thought that one moment meeting him would define his life.
Relationships: Perrie Edwards/Zayn Malik, Zayn Malik/Harry Styles, implied Zayn malik/Gigi hadid
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	1. It's You

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is one of the stories I’d written but kept posting new ones instead. This story is very close to my heart, I wrote nearly half of it few years ago and just couldn’t find a way to complete it and it was haunting me. as it has been five years since we last saw Zayn and Harry together and we’re almost halfway through 2020 so I’m finally ending this one.
> 
> It’s just my take on their story and I hope you guys like it; I’d really like to know what you guys think so please comment and thank you so much!!
> 
> First chapter title is from It's you by Zayn.

Harry wakes up with a start. He groans sitting up, there is a pounding in his head and the sunlight seeping through the window hurts his swollen eyes. He can feel they are swollen and dried as a result of crying from the last night.

Harry huffs as he tries to adjust to light. He can’t seem to get a grip of what his life has become, and he’s just the same when he assumed himself to be a changed person, a cold hearted Harry to the only man he wish he could hate.

He felt way too worse and tired to get up to get on with the day. He knew it was a stupid idea to go to the party last night. “Fuck you Jeff,” he mumbles, his hands rubbing on his face.

He can feel the panic rushing in and the conversation he had with Zayn last night. It was a punch in his face to see him there, and falling into old habits once again.

He groans as he picks up the phone and dials the number he knows he can count on to rant. He waits as it rings on the other end.

“Hello, Nick.”

And Harry can just imagine his face from all the way sitting in his bed as Nick sighs. And Harry knows Nick knows what it’s about. He knows Nick can tell just by the sound of him saying his name. It is same as it was almost a year ago.

“ _Hello, Styles_ ,” Nick replies.

“Nick, I fucked up.”

+

Harry knew it was not a good idea to be going to the Pre-Grammy party that Jeff had been going on about for Harry to attend. He has been trying to get Harry to go even if it is for half an hour. Harry wasn’t feeling like going to any event recently, and he just wanted to go home. He’d been moody for last few months, but After Jeff almost begging him to attend and telling him that it would be really good for him, Harry gave in.

They decided that Jeff and Glenne would pick him up so he was waiting for them to call so he could let them in. Once he lets them in, he gets in the back seat beside Glenne, and he doesn’t miss the way she looked at him. He knew he wasn’t in a good mood, not feeling like to go out and his hair was greasy and any sign of the smile miles away.

“Okay, what?” Harry asks her with a look.

She shakes her head, “Nothing. Just- are you okay?”

Harry lets out a long sigh. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says almost robotically, tired of repeating the same thing.

He watches as she just nods and he is thankful that she didn’t force him to explain again and saved him for embarrassment.

They reach the venue pretty quickly; they get in and greet few people just as quickly before sitting down at their table. Jeff gets busy talking the business stuff with someone he knows from the industry, Glenne is doing her best to keep him good company but he knows she can sense the vibe that’s getting off him today.

It’s one of the rare occasions where he is not enjoying and didn’t even want to come in the first place, because he is just not been in his element for some time now.

Harry tries to focus on what she’s been telling him about, and he takes sip of his drink as he looks around casually. And there he is. Harry sees him then. And he can feel the air getting punched out of him.

Harry sits there shocked trying to read Zayn as he takes all of him in, all the new things and changes he isn’t aware of, and he feels his heart ache at the fact that maybe he would never.

He doesn’t know how long he was staring at him before he gets out of his thoughts, he fidgets praying that he won’t see him too as he starts to think of what he should do. It would be awkward if Zayn catches him staring and what his reaction would be. Harry doesn’t want to make a fool of him in front of all these people if it happens.

He starts to think of a way he could get out of it without getting noticed by anyone, _anyone._

“Harry, are you feeling okay?” Glenne asks worried as she can see him gone paler even in the dim light.

Harry can fell his palm sweating, his mind going mile a minute. Harry nods frantically, swiping his sweaty hands on his jeans.

“I’ll – I’ll be back. Washroom…” he stutters as he gets up slowly avoiding to not get noticed. He is thankful that their table is at the back and he doesn’t have to go near his table, before he heads straight to the restroom.

He walks straight over the sinks at the wall across from the door, he feels relieved that there is no one inside and that it is empty. It’s pretty huge room and without people and _him_ here he feels he could breath.

He takes a huge breathe in trying to be calm with long inhale and exhale of oxygen, but it’s hard as he can’t get him out of his mind. Harry can’t believe he is here. Zayn is here, when he thought Jeff knew somehow he won’t be here and that’s why Harry’d finally gave in.

And now he is stuck here, what if Zayn saw him, what would happen. He cannot think properly with his head swimming with all the possibilities.

Zayn is here and he is looking beautiful as always and knocked Harry’s breath out his body again. He is looking so different Harry thinks, almost like a person Harry doesn’t know as if they didn’t spend years together. He is looking so immaculate, and confident and happy. A complete opposite of how he looked a year ago, stressed and worn out, maybe empty even.

He looks up in the mirror and takes his own appearance in, he grabs the edge of the sink as he looks a tad bit longer at his reflection, looking at himself seeing the same lost boy he looked at a year ago, he sighs looking down closing his eyes trying to forget the image of his old self, the one he made himself believe was no longer present. That he was different too; but was he.

He saw Zayn after a year in person today; he can’t help the way he felt as he looked at him. He can’t help himself imagining how good Zayn looked. The ring in his ear, the pristine dusky rose pink hair; Zayn being the only person Harry knows that can pull that off. Honestly there is nothing Harry things Zayn can’t pull off.

There are rings adorning his fingers, all the new ink he doesn’t know the details of, his pierced nose with a stud in it. White shirt rolled up at sleeves and unbuttoned, opposite to how his white shirt is buttoned up to a collar. How pathetic he looks now in comparison to him.

And he suddenly couldn’t breathe. His lungs feel unable to process, pressure constricting them in. So much contradiction, he fails to digest the reality once again.

Sound of the door closing startles him and he rushes to school his face as if he wasn’t having a breakdown in the fucking bathroom, in a fear of someone seeing him in this state. He hears the footsteps getting closer and he can sense their eyes are on him.

His fear turns to reality as the similar smell of the scent and smoke hits his nose and he knows it’s Zayn even before he looks up. _You’re wearing the same scent._

Harry knows then that Zayn had seen him. That is why he came in. He is furious that he couldn’t get what he wanted even now, just to be away from Zayn. He feels his blood hot and skin getting warm with the hurt and anger he had suppressed from last year, as the memories come rushing in when he looks at Zayn.

Harry notices how close Zayn is actually standing to him after such a long time. It’s been a year and he didn’t even think they will ever see each other again, and a year is too short of time Harry would have allowed himself to meet Zayn again.

He feels confused with what he wants to do; what he should do in this situation when they are here right now. He had shit load of things he wanted to spew at Zayn but right now he can’t seem to find anything. He doesn’t know what he wants, if he should scream at him, or if he should push him away. He wants to fight and bite and throw a fucking tantrum at him for showing up, for never letting him in, and just deciding to up and leave.

Just thinking about it leaves him short of breath, that hole in his heart letting him know that it’s still there. “What are you doing here?” is what comes out of his mouth at the end, his expression sour.

He watches the way Zayn scowl at him, and there is a sharp look in his eyes.

“What do you think? It’s a party. Or did you forget I’m an artist too?”

_I know._ Harry flinches at Zayn’s tone. He goes to say something before Zayn cuts him off.

“Did you think I wouldn’t get an invite?” Zayn snarls, purposely avoiding answering to what actually Harry meant by that.

“You know what I mean?” Harry seethes.

“Not everyone is in your pocket Styles!” Zayn replies feeling riled up. “I can go wherever the fuck I want!”

Harry cards his fingers through his hair seeming frustrated as he feels himself shake with anger after hearing that. How dare Zayn can say that to hurt him? He cannot seem to contain his fury and the next words leave his mouth before he can think.

“Go away, Zayn! Just leave me alone,” Harry says his voice a bit higher than before. “Just leave me like you did back then.” He tries to shove Zayn but he doesn’t budge. _Go to her just like before._

Anger flashes in Zayn’s eyes, the hurt ever present from year ago. He suddenly steps closer grabbing at Harry’s jacket. “You fucker – will you ever let it go Haz?” Zayn almost yells, his accent going thick.

Harry keeps staring, becoming agitated with passing second as he watches Zayn’s reaction carefully.

“Don’t you have _anything_ other than that to say?” Zayn is fuming. “Don’t, Haz. Don’t!” Zayn pushes him against the counter.

_Why? Isn’t that the truth?_ Harry wants to say but Zayn is so close - _so close-_ to Harry that he can feel his body heat where he is held in place. Harry feels lost as he looks in Zayn’s eyes and he shivers as he watches Zayn glaring at him. Harry feels as if he can read him ‘ _you know it isn’t’._ There is a moment, a strong pull like always and then it happens. 

They kiss. Hard and fast, hungrily grabbing at each other and Harry doesn’t know who kissed whom first. Who pushed and pulled grabbing at the back of their necks, as Zayn holds his face and he feels burning under his touch.

It’s hot, _really_ _hot,_ the way they are breathing hard through their nose and the way they are pressed impossibly close. Their teeth clash as Zayn parts his mouth and prods at Harry’s lips with his tongue. And Harry thinks it’s just as stupid as it was all those years ago. But _god_ it feels so right, and Harry wouldn’t admit it but he definitely missed this, the way he tastes as he licks into his mouth.

Zayn is pushing him against what little space Harry had with the counter, all the while kissing and nipping at his lower lip. Harry feels like he’s been set on fire, he had few drinks earlier and all the kissing and the way Zayn is pressing into him is making him feel dizzy.

His head is spinning, familiarity of the situation getting to him with Zayn there. Zayn is relentless as he pulls at his hair so he can kiss his neck and at a patch of skin behind his ear. And then Harry is being turned around so that Zayn presses behind his back.

It’s fast and hurried how Zayn’s hands are grabbing at his waist, his fingers catching lightly on the skin there as he unzips his trouser and Harry is already panting as he grabs onto the edge of the counter to steady himself.

He can’t help the gasp that leaves his mouth when he feels Zayn touches him and then he gives in to the temptation and looks at their reflection. It’s hot and erotic how they look; desperate and barely able to keep his eyes open and he shivers as he catches the look on Zayn’s face and his cheek heats up.

His eyes blur as he takes it all in, there’s sweat shining on their forehead, their complimentary colour; chocolaty brown and black and pink, mixing in beautifully and all the memories flash behind his eyes from years before as he feels a finger inside him.

Harry takes a sharp breath in when Zayn moans in his ear, he is kissing down his jaw as he works him open adding two more fingers and the tightness he feels.

Harry’s head is full of mixed feelings and emotions he is trying to keep in, when he feels Zayn pushing in him after he bends him at the waist to get a better angle. He feels a bit of panic set in as he remembers if he’d closed the door or not, but a selfish part of him thinks it’d be nice if someone walks in so it would finally be out in open. But then he feels bad for wanting it to happen to Zayn when he knows he’d be upset if that happens.

It’s just as intense like before and rough to hurt as Zayn starts going faster gripping at his sides. Harry wants it to hurt, he grabs at Zayn as it hits him this could be the last time he touches him. He is conflicted and he wants it to hurt Zayn too. Honestly he is just not over how it ended so he asks. “Why?”

“You know why, don’t act like you didn’t want it,” Zayn thrust in harder as he answers. “You know you probably wanted it more than me.”

Harry feels a pang in his chest, it’s not like it’s not true what Zayn said. Zayn always knew him better. But Harry doesn’t want to give in because he’s been miserable for a year and can’t let it go. He swallows the actual words he’s been dying to say to him.

“I hate you,” He says instead.

Zayn speeds up and they finish in few more strokes, Harry biting hard on his lip so as not to say Zayn’s name when he comes hard.

“I know,” Zayn’s says.

His fingers digging in Harry’s flesh as he stills and finishes finally, panting his ear, his own breath coming out in huffs.

“I know,” he says again when gains his breath, his voice low.

Harry watches as his face goes soft, a look in his eyes he can’t totally read, maybe sadness and disappointment swirling in. Harry wants to say so many things, to apologize, and he feels bad now. But just as fast it came over Zayn’s face it vanishes before he can ponder more over it. He watches Zayn retreat back after pulling their pants up, leaving Harry alone; just as he wanted.

Harry’s own words from earlier defies as he opens his mouth to say something _anything_ as he panics that it’s just like before, a goodbye without really settling anything between them. But no words come out and he feels nauseous with emotions clogging his mind and his head hurts.

He is shaking badly then as he cleans himself, he runs his hand over and over through his hair and his face as tears finally flows down his cheeks. He feels it hard to breathe as he tries to think of what just happened, how he fucked up everything when he’d tried to ignore everything for last year. But he can’t really think clear with emotions overflowing through his mild inebriated state.

He glances down at his shaking hands, nearly sobbing as he looks at his cross tattoo, the one Zayn kissed that one time they made love, he tries to wipe his tears as he remembers how he never wanted that time to end when they were tangled together. The tattoo he got for them, his unspoken faith in them as he tried to hold on to for their love when he’d finally realized it.

He looks at himself washing his face to try to appear normal like a grown ass man he is before he gets back to the party because as much as he wants to be alone, he can’t just be in here hiding inside. He needs to leave and he just wants to go home.

He walks back out and tries to get to their table without looking at anyone, and he is glad that no one tried to stop him to talk as he reaches up to Glenne. He watches as her expression changes into a worried look.

“Where is Jeff? I need to head home.”

She doesn’t ask anything even as she can sense that something is wrong and tries to understand as she can feel him stressed out.

“He’s probably talking to someone but c’mon let’s just go, okay?” she just nods to general direction to where Jeff might be.

Harry sighs in relief and follows her. They find Jeff and they shake hands do the formalities as fast they can, as Jeff also takes in Harry’s demeanor and the tension in his body. They leave through backdoor tired of faking a smile for so long as he leans in his seat. Promise of his home comforting to his racing mind and he decides to try not to think of what happened for the rest of the night.

+

“ _No-no-no!! Styles, tell me it’s not true_ ,” pleads Nick after Harry finished telling him what happened last night.

“Unfortunately it’s true.” Harry shakes his head in disbelief and how he let it happen.

“ _You really fucked in the bathroom Harry! What are you seventeen_?” Nick asks teasing him slightly. “ _You can’t do that Harry, you know how it ends. You have to clear your head before it messes everything up again._ ”

Harry lets out a shaky breath at the memory, the feeling of Zayn’s hand, his lips on his, how he felt in him after so long, how he cried pathetically drinking his sorrow when he finally came home. How he was stupid to let Zayn do it again. Fuck he didn’t even think of how embarrassing it would have been if someone had walked on in them. Fuck he didn’t even think how Zayn can do this if he was with Gigi. _Where was she?_

“I know but its _Zayn._ ”

“ _I know Harold. That’s why I’m asking you to think clearly_.”

“Yeah.”

He knows what Nick is saying is true and it is for his own good. But he knows it is not that simple when his mind and heart has always been invaded by Zayn.

He falls back down on the bed after the phone call, staring at the ceiling thinking how he managed to fuck up again, his thoughts wander to how good Zayn looked, healthy too. How brave and confident he is to choose what he wanted to and just said fuck it all, like Harry has never been able to. Everyone says how confident he is but he is far from it really.

He didn’t know how a person can ever have this much hold on someone. But Zayn always had control over him. He always took his breath away just like last night.

Just like when he reluctantly saw that _Fader_ cover of Zayn, the first time he saw him after such a long time, where he was establishing himself; a new Zayn, without the band, without Harry. How different he looked nearly in every three months since that last time, a different Zayn that Harry doesn’t know completely.

Just how different he looked when he left him a year ago. And he didn’t know which _Harry_ he was, he was different but maybe not really. Because he just threw himself in the mistakes the old Harry always did. He deemed himself to have been changed in a year but he doesn’t believe it anymore after watching the finger shaped bruises left like bitter memory from last night.

His heart aches from all the thinking, he wanted it to hurt, to hurt both of them so he could hold onto the thought that he hates him, he doesn’t want to accept why he left so he can fool himself into thinking he hates him because it all changed _everything_ and he didn’t want it to end like this. So he can pretend to hate him so he could be mad and it would hurt less and he at least could breathe.

Later he gets a text from Nick : _Well I thought you’d might not know that he said he’s good friends with her in an interview…so…_

He feels restless, he doesn’t know what to think but right now he wants to go home. He needs to go away and leave him here.

_I can’t do this…_ he repeats to himself later as he packs to leave, that _note_ from a year ago burning behind his eyes. Because he needs to get better, he knows he has always been weak when it came to Zayn and he knows he probably always will be.

Because _Zayn_ is all he ever thinks about.


	2. Morphine

Harry managed to reach UK and now at his mum’s house earlier than he had planned. He was going to be here by the next week anyway but after the recent ‘accident’ he thought coming here would be the best choice. He knew seeing his mum will sure lift up his spirits a little bit.

“Come in sweetheart!” Anne welcomes him with smile lighting up her whole face when she opens the door for him.

He gives her a tight hug. “Thanks mum.”

He makes his way inside; after closing the door behind him. He leaves the bags near a table by the wall coming in through the foyer.

“How are you my baby? Oh I missed you so much!” she says giving him a proper hug again.

“I’m fine mum. How are you?” He hugs her back taking his time to feel it, the familiar scent of her perfume refreshing and relaxing. “I missed you too.”

When they part she kisses Harry on his cheeks still smiling, happy to see him.

“You must be tired from the flight. Why don’t you go get freshen up and I’ll put on a kettle.”

“Yeah, feel a little tired but it’s nothing new,” he shrugs “and the tea sounds nice.” He gives her a smile and watches her go into kitchen.

He looks at her retreating figure for a second longer; he is tired but not because of the long-ass flight he took in haste than he is by the lack of peace of mind. 

He joins her at the kitchen island after a while; they are sipping on their teas when his phone rings indicating he received a text. It’s from Jeff checking up on him; worried because Harry changed plans and left early.

He reads it and puts down the pone on the counter after texting Jeff back.

“How have you been mum?” He asks as their cat meows at her feet.

“Oh! I’m good. I was just surprised when you called the other day,” she says. “I thought you were coming next week.”

“Oh yeah I was. I got a free time so thought why wait till next week.” He shrugs.

“That’s good sweetie, now you can have extra time with us,” she gives him a reassuring smile.

They drink the tea in a silence as Anne tells him how happy Robin will be to see him. And Harry feels a sense of relief sitting there with her.

“How are the songs coming along?” she asks him after a beat putting down her cup. “Did you hear anything about the role?” 

He remembers then that he didn’t hear anything from Jeff about the role he’d auditioned for. He makes a mental note to text him about it later.

“No, I didn’t get any news about it, guess it is not finalized yet,” Harry says folding his hands on the counter.

“I’ve got few songs but have to see how it all comes along really.” He replies his hands fiddling with the handle of his cup.

“I think I’ll go take a nap or I might take a walk around if you don’t mind mum,” he says hesitatingly.

She just nods her head; clearly sensing that Harry wants to be alone to process whatever that’s going on his mind. 

He wants to say so much to her but he just can’t bring himself to bother her with this shit, he is grown man he thinks even if he might not always act like one. He thinks he’ll do it sometime later maybe.

He smiles in return instead.

Harry takes a short walk around to get fresh air and loosen up. It feels good as he can feel chill in the air and snuggles his jacket closer to his body. He meets a family with a little boy around 7 or 8; who says he’s fan of the band. He talks with them for a little bit and then they leave him be.

It’s nice and soothing to be able to be out. But the silence around is proving to be difficult because it is doing the opposite than to calm his mind.

The voices in his head he tries hard to suppress louder and clearer in the silence.

Harry has a lot on his mind to think; about the movie, the album, Zayn, the songs, the _damned_ _songs about him_ , and that role he'd auditioned, he can’t even decide where to start. His head all jumbled mess as he sits on the side of the clearing near the houses.

He doesn’t take that long before he gets back to their house and head to his room after letting his mum know he’s back.

He lies down on the bed and with an exasperated sigh as he takes his phone out. He reads the text Nick had sent him before over and over again but he simply can’t understand what Zayn could exactly mean by that, why he didn’t say anything to him then and just left him again.

Come to think of it, how Zayn could have explained; it’s not like Harry gave him a choice or showed any interest or even suggested that he was ready to talk. But still he wishes he’d pursued him to listen.

Even before all this when they were in the band Harry thinks he never listened to Zayn and never gave him choice.

Harry remembers when he was in London last month, after one of the last performances as a band, he was so lost. He was sitting on the bench in the park in the cold by himself in a beanie and a long coat, thinking about future. He couldn’t fathom the rush he had felt before; at the start of this thing so opposite of how he was feeling then; alone after the end.

Zayn had left and after that Harry was just there; performing half-heartedly and just for the sake of the fans. He couldn’t wait to just finish it all already, pack and leave. It’s not that he hated the band, no he enjoyed it but he was just done after he contributed his inputs on the last album.

Harry was drowning and couldn’t see what was going to happen after the end. He missed Zayn every time he was on stage; he could still hear his voice, the way he used to do his special little runs; when Niall or Liam sang his lines.

He missed how heavenly it was to hear him shine through at that moment, like no one could even touch him, like nobody was worthy enough to do it, worthy enough of it.

Harry missed him _all_ the time, _every second._

He didn’t know who he was anymore without Zayn there by his side. He was longing for him on different continents while Zayn was out and about somewhere else, confident and representing himself. The new ' _ZAYN'_ for the world to see; who was different from the band, Zayn who was growing apart from and without Harry, someone different and new.

Zayn might not need Harry but Harry needed him, he doesn’t know if anybody noticed but Zayn was such a big part of all of it for him.

Whenever he had doubts or if he was not feeling it and when he was feeling low Zayn always supported him and boosted his confidence. The way Zayn just made sure that he was relaxed and wasn’t hard on himself; he didn’t know if he could be able to find himself again apart from Zayn.

Because from the start even if he didn’t realize it sooner, all he knew was Zayn and he was who he was just because of him.

+

His heart was pounding.

Harry had never felt this stressed in his life till now, he was crying from the heartbreak of being turned down at from the last round of audition along with some other boys and girls.

So he was confused and didn’t know as to why they called some of them out on stage again when they didn’t make it through the bootcamp.

He sweats standing there in front of the judges; he has four boys standing by his side and four girls too on the other side of them.

He thinks he knows what can happen with the five of them there but he’s scared to get his hopes up. He definitely wants it he’s sure of that, he wants to show that he’s good enough.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and nods back to the blonde lad as Nicole starts to tell their decision.

Harry literally falls down on his knees crying in relief and happiness when they hear the judges say ‘we‘ve decided to put you in a group, you are through’.

Harry and the other boys they called up with him are now grouped together and given another chance. They cheer and cry harder as they hug each other in circle, their cheeks hurting from smiling so much, they all are so _so_ happy for the opportunity.

Harry hugs the other four boys one by one, strangers but now his band mates congratulating them. They are all so happy feeling light and excited that it is the start of something new, their dreams to begin.

He hugs the dark haired boy, _Zain,_ he remembers from _before_ with the beautiful eyes last. _Yes they are beautiful he thinks._

The guy was shy before in the second audition that day and didn’t talk to Harry that much unlike first day they were there but had smiled at him when they were waiting in the hall after.

Harry in his happiness didn’t think twice if Zain would even like it when he goes to him and wraps his hands around him. Harry all up crowding him in his arms but the guy hugs him back so Harry smiles and tightens his hands around him.

“Thank you!” Harry says. His voice sincere in Zain’s ear before separating.

Harry doesn’t know what he is thanking the guy for exactly, maybe for coming back and trying, the dance he refused to do. Maybe for coming back and proving it to everyone, to let himself and the others have a chance because if it wasn’t for him maybe they won’t be in a band.

Or maybe there’s something more he is not sure of.

But Harry’s grin widens; a dimple popping out when he sees the boy is looking at him, all wide eyed slowly smiling with something glimmering in his eyes.

The whole group then steps down; they all introduce themselves properly and have a talk with host.

“It feels amazing! And we are so grateful for the chance,” Louis says when she asks.

Liam, Niall nod their heads in response. “We’re so thankful to the judges for giving us another chance.”

“Have you guys decided what will be the name of the group?”

“Yeah, we have,” they say in unison and gestures toward Harry as he starts.

“So we discussed and we decided that we will be called ‘One Direction’.” He tells in a slow drawl smiling as he catches eyes with Zain.

*

The entire remaining contestant settle in the X-factor house after going through the judge’s house, they have dinner that night with all the contestants and they explore their new room, chatting and smiling.

It’s all so different to whatever Harry has known, he knows for sure he’ll learn so much being here with so many different people. They as a band know they have to work hard to do better, but he knows it’s all worth it.

He loves meeting people and gets on pretty well with other contestants and over the days as they practice and perform he can feel them getting better going forward.

As a group they get to know each other a little better, everyone not that different from each other with the similar background and dreams. He is happy that he gets on with them.

Liam and Zain are little reserved but Louis and Niall are carefree, and he connects with them easily.

As they get through round after round each week, he can almost taste it, the finale just out of reach. They are grateful that people like them and are voting for them.

And he couldn’t be happier than right now as he lies in his bunk above Louis, with others to the opposite side of the room. He feels giddy with the anticipation and his hand tingle thinking about future.

+

_“You think?” he asks._

_“I don’t think, I know, Yeah.” He turns to look at him. “I know we’ll make it. You’re a star Harry.”_

_He smiles._

_“Don’t worry, yeah,” Zayn says. “Thanks for inviting me.” Harry nods._

_They look at each other too long, eyes skimming over at lips, but no one dares and the moment passes. So Zayn settles on to run his fingers through Harry’s hair and Harry kisses his cheek timidly in return._

Harry wakes up startled, it takes a bit longer to realize he’s in his mum’s house. His bags and shit all over the room as he settled in after his walk.

He was dreaming, he still could feel the ghost of Zayn’s touch.

Harry still remembers how relaxed he’d made Harry feel when Anne invited him before they were about to go on the X-factor tour. Those initial days feeling like ages ago, tucked away in the corners of his heart.

He registers that there’s knock on the door which woke him up and he looks up to his mum calling him.

“Sorry! Did I startle you?”

He sighs. “No, I think I just fell asleep.”

“Okay, I was here to tell you that dinner is ready.” She replies in a light tone, as he takes in the light from the window that indeed it’s time.

“Thanks mum, I’ll be down in a few.”

He sits up fully, rubbing at his face after she leaves. He feels a familiar weight in his ring finger, which was missing for weeks. He puts his right hand out taking in the glint of the ring he; must have slipped it on when he was unpacking, putting on his chains and other rings.

He takes in the shape of the delicate Rose as he runs a fingertip over it; memories rushing back in. _old habits die hard._ He looks around; he had fallen asleep in his clothes, his guitar lying on the sheet by his side and his journal opened.

_I gotta get better, gotta get better. Maybe we’ll work it out._

_Take the pain away..._

Lyrics of the _Morphine_ song he was working on staring back at him. He closes it and sets it aside willing himself to finish it soon.

He sees that Robin’s home as he joins him and Anne at the table.

“Hey, good to see you lad,” Robin hugs him, a big smile on his face as always, warm and welcoming.

Harry hugs him back, “You too, dad.” He’s grateful for having such a great mother and Step-dad.

He sees her mom noticing the ring as she places the last dish on the table and taking the seat. But she doesn’t say anything for which he is thankful. 

They eat in a silence, just clinking of the plates and utensils for a while.

“Harry, I talked to Gemma earlier when she called,” Anne says. “I told her you’re here earlier and she wanted to talk to you but you were asleep when I came upstairs,” she pauses to take a bite of the chicken. “So give her a call when you can.”

“Yeah, I will.” He misses her and wishes if she could be here to join them too.

They finish the simple dinner with laughter and stories from Robin’s friends and of their grand-kids. In between inquiring Harry about the album date and planning of the tour Harry wanted to do.

“I’ll do the dishes mum, you go rest. I’ve got it.” He says as he helps her clear the table, putting the dishes in the sink.

He feels full and warm as she kisses his cheek and leaves to join Robin in the living room.

He sighs as he looks down at the ring. Thinking how _he_ is, how their meeting at the party had turned out, what did Nick meant by that text. It hurts, thinking about him, everything, every thought on a loop without an answer to calm his mind. So he shakes his head as he starts doing dishes.

Despite the heavy feeling in his chest, he feels a bit good at helping Anne out, from having his mum’s cooked food after so long.

Also from having the song takes shape too after working on it, half finished but it's something that he could show it to his producers and at the prospect of talking to Gemma after.

And as he takes his phone to call her after getting in bed finally, he feels that he might be able to have a good night’s sleep tonight.


	3. 'Cause love is blind

Harry stretches his body when he finally wakes up the next day, he slowly rubs at his face noticing the bright light outside. He checks the time and yes it is little late than his usual waking up time as he’d assumed. He yawns and he stretches his body again to get out the kinks before walking up to the window, the clear sky making him feel at ease as he peers outside.

He inhales long and slow, thinking it was a good thing that he came here after that bad encounter with Zayn. It hasn’t left his mind all that much being here but he feels he needed the time off, a little change from his schedule. But he has to get back to his home and get to work soon.

He’s having trouble with sleep for some time now but last night wasn’t that bad given he didn’t wake up in the middle of the night nor had a nightmare, just a little restless but he slept through the night. But the struggle he has having to get a good sleep is messing up with his mood lately.

Harry decides to go for a jog to get a start and shake off the laziness, and the weather looks good too. He brushes his teeth and changes into his running gear quickly before heading downstairs. He is tying his hair up in bun as he gets to the last steps.

“Good morning,” Harry greets Anne as he pads to the kitchen where he sees her preparing breakfast.

“Good morning! Did you sleep well?”

“No, not really to be honest but it was okay,” Harry says as he moves around her over to the counter before picking up an apple from the basket and taking a bite. “Where’s Robin?” he asks chewing.

“Oh! You’ve just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.” Anne says, giving him a sweet smile.

They talk while he finishes the rest of his apple; she tells him about the family dinner she is thinking of planning as he continues to munch on it, nodding along at the right places as he watches her finish chopping onion and put a pan on the stove.

After Harry’s finished eating, he tells her that he’s going for a run and that she should eat and to not wait for him and that he’ll see her later.

“I gotta go, mum. I’ll be back in hour or so, bye.”

“Okay,” she says as Harry kisses her temple before leaving.

Once he is outside, Harry looks through his music library on his phone for his ‘running’ playlist after he closes the front door behind him. He plugs the headphones in his ear and turns on the music after slipping on the hoodie over his head, the bandana wrapped around his forehead.

He takes a deep breath, smelling the fresh air before he starts to run along the sidewalk, the beats from the music lifting his mood slightly and the fresh air soothing on his face.

*

Harry comes back sweaty and feeling the burn in his legs and thighs after the miles of running. He goes to take shower straight away, wanting to get out of the clammy clothes after that long run. It was a good decision to get little exercise and let a blood flow.

“Shit!” He rushes out of the bathroom tying a towel around his waist and the other draped over his shoulder when he hears his phone ringing in his bedroom on a full volume. The water drips down from his hair on the floor, wetting it under his feet as he walks over to his bed. 

Harry picks up the phone and thumbs the green answering icon before putting it on the speaker. He sits down on the bed and settling the phone next to him as starts drying off his long hair with the extra towel when he hears Jeff’s voice over the line.

“ _What the hell Harry?_ ”

“Hello, _Jeffrey_.” Harry replies monotonously as he sits down, knowing already where the conversation is going.

“ _What am I suppose to do when you do shit like this?_ ” Jeff asks. “ _Why didn’t you tell me?_ ”

Harry pulls on the clean pair of sweatpants he had picked out before going to shower. He takes the t-shirt and starts pulling on it getting his head trough the neckline. Harry imagines Jeff shaking his head and can clearly hear the worried tone in his voice before he hears him sigh.

“I just- umm… I just wanted to come here as soon as possible okay and we didn’t have anything there after the Grammy. So I --” Harry shrugs, pulling on a hoodie next.

Harry hears Jeff composing himself taking a big breath in before he speaks again.

“ _Alright, if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, I won’t push you; you know._ ” Jeff pauses. “ _It’s just_ \- _you could’ve just told me that before leaving Harry. We were worried when you didn’t answer when I called, that’s all._ ”

When Harry is dressed up he puts the call off speaker and holds it over his ear as he makes his way downstairs.

“Yeah, I probably should have,” Harry murmurs as he enters the living room. “Sorry for that mate… was just missing home,” he says, plopping down on the couch by the window, gazing out admiring the flowers.

“ _That’s_ _fine. I guess I was just overreacting. So, I’ve got great news!_ ”

“Yeah, what is it?”

_“You’ve got the role, H. You made it!”_

“Whoa! That’s -- I can’t believe it.” Harry smiles astonished. “It’s a Nolan film, can you imagine,” he adds in disbelief.

“ _Well, you know we could have celebrated if you were here but anyways congrats H! It’s a huge opportunity_.”

“Thanks. Yeah, I know it is. We’ll have to reschedule studio time I guess,” Harry says. “And we can always celebrate later.”

“ _That’s true._ _Look, I’ll send you all the details so you can go over it, yeah_.”

Harry nods to himself when he hears Jeff sound like he’s shuffling around.

“Yeah, I’ll have a look,” Harry says turning his head to look when the light sound of feet catches his attention. He finds Anne walking in from the garden door where she was out reading when he came back earlier from the run.

“ _Okay,_ _I have a meeting_ _so_ _I gotta hurry now. Don’t forget to check your e-mail. And now that it’s confirmed, send me the pictures of your beloved locks after you get a haircut_.” Jeff laughs.

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry smiles resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “Thanks again. Talk to you later, bye.”

Harry ends the call before he locks the phone and pockets it. He smiles and shifts in his sit when Anne come and sits next to him on the other side of the couch leaning back comfortably after putting the book on the table.

“It was Jeff. He called to tell the good news,” Harry says then slightly smiling at her. “I got the role, mum.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! Congrats, baby!” his mum opens her arms wide and he instinctively shifts over to her side so he can hug her. “I’m so proud of you, Harry.” She says and kisses his cheek.

“Thanks mum,” Harry mumbles, shifting to sit back before picking at the strings of his hoodie.

She watches him closely like she could read him, like she can feel his restlessness and Harry panics assuming she’d say something, so he looks down to avoid her eyes. He kind of waits for her to speak but she doesn’t so he relaxes.

Harry leans his head on her shoulder; he still can’t quite believe that he got selected for the role. He wasn’t sure that they would even consider him seeing as it’s his first try at acting and there are way too many talented people than him.

Anne gently wraps her arm around Harry and strokes over his arm where he’s tucked in her side as they let the news settle in, sitting in a silence watching outside the window at the flowers and at the leaves dancing as the wind picks up.

Harry feels his thoughts rushing in after a moment of quiet and he sighs as he ponders over at the possible change of plans and how maybe he’ll have to wait until the filming is finished to complete the album, seeing as he’d have to leave for France for months.

Harry’s thoughts betray him again and his fingers twitch as the desire to tell Zayn builds. This is a big thing for Harry and he wants to share his excitement with Zayn, as he knew how Harry always talked about trying his hand in acting someday.

He thinks how different this would’ve been if they were on talking terms or maybe together. He kind of wants to call him to share the news with him, see if he has the same number or has changed it.

Harry looks down at his hand when he feels a gentle hand running over his own, and it somewhat relaxes him. He watches as Anne’s fingers gently grazes over his as if she could read the tension in his body and his distracted mind.

“Are you happy?” She asks, softly.

“Yes mum, why wouldn’t I!” He hears himself getting a bit defensive.

“Are you truly, Harry?” His mum sighs. “Your smile doesn’t reach your eyes darling,” she adds softly, her fingers still moving over Harry’s.

Harry almost stiffens at her words, wanting to move away as to not continue the conversation. But she beats him to it before he can.

“I’m sorry but you seem sad. I didn’t want to say anything but I can’t see you like this,” she whispers. “Is it about Zayn?”

Harry feels a quiet gasp leave his mouth as he turns to look at her, his eyes wide and he finds it hard to breathe at what he heard.

His first instinct is to deny it but by the way she is looking at him Harry knows there is no fucking way out of it now. No matter how much he tries to assure her that he’s fine and it’s not what she thinks, there’s no way she will believe him given the way she squeezed his hand at his reaction.

“How did you know?” he mumbles, giving her a surprised look.

“I’m your mum, Harry,” she pauses and gives him a small smile. “It wasn’t that hard… I just knew.”

+

“I still can’t believe after all this time that this is our life now,” Louis says, rubbing his hands together to keep the chill of the night away, smiling.

“Yeah,” Harry smiles.

“It’s proper confusing,” Niall chimes in.

Zayn nods agreeing with them adjusting his beanie, as his eye catches Harry’s over the fire. He smiles and quirks an eyebrow when Harry flashes him a grin.

“It’s like we were all normal boys and now it is bigger than anything.” Liam adds shifting around in his chair. “It’s a whole different world.”

They are at Harry’s bungalow again after little over a year being in a band.

They decided to meet up here like the last time they had come here to meet and to get to know each other and to bond and practice together. Really just to take their time and enjoy and see how it all goes after they got put together in a group on the x-factor last year.

Now they just got a glimpse of the new life after releasing the first album and a book and touring. So this time they are singing, talking about the things they want to achieve as the band, enjoying all day. And now just sitting and hanging around a bonfire in the cold night, eating snacks and muse as they look back on all the things that are changed.

It’s surreal, the fans, the support they’re getting from all over the world. They’ve been working with producers and recording stuff, honing their skills, promotions, and the album deals they signed. It’s massive than anything they could’ve asked for at this stage, particularly after not even winning the competition.

And at this point Harry feels as if he’s not himself living his life but it’s someone else he’s looking at through a magic glass or something. Like a fairytale.

Harry feels that everything for them is happening in double time since the beginning. Like he was just trying to get through the audition one day and he’s in a band the other with albums on the way. He can’t comprehend where the time’s gone, and it certainly feels as if it all changed overnight. 

The cackling sound of Niall’s laughter pulls Harry out of his thoughts. He feels lost as he looks around all of them and watches Zayn staring at him with an unreadable expression. Harry chews at his bottom lip as it seems to take him a moment to regain himself.

“I’ll get more snacks,” Harry says standing up and pointing to the kitchen with his thumb.

“Get more crisps too, will ya?” Niall adds.

“And chocolate!” Louis shouts.

Harry hums before he enters the kitchen. He looks around at the mess they made earlier before going out on the patio when Liam started the fire going. So he starts to clears some of the dishes, putting them in sink to wash later as he tries to tidy it up a little so it looks like a proper kitchen. He picks up the dirty mugs from the table and fills them up with water, he picks and folds the tea towels lying around and puts them over near the toaster.

As Harry starts to grab the different flavoured bags of crisps and few packs of marshmallows his eyes flickers out the window where the boys are sitting and talking. His lips curl into a smile and he feels strange sense of fondness wash over him as he watches Niall and Louis laughing and bantering, and then there’s Liam and Zayn smiling in between their hushed conversation.

_Zayn._

Harry’s eyes linger on him. He observes the way he is talking, the way he looks, how cool and laid back he is, Harry has never met anyone like him. Harry sighs and he feels as if he was somehow holding his breath all this time tonight and didn’t even notice.

He wonders what they always talk about; Liam and Zayn. It baffles him that he hasn’t been able to get closer to them that much because for one he’s very charming person and friendly too, if other people’s opinion is anything to go by. It has never been hard for him to become friends with new people.

Zayn and Liam both have become more relaxed in the group now, Liam more than Zayn, than before when they got put in a band but Harry feels there’s still a bit of a barrier between him Zayn. Like they have the times when they laugh and Harry jokes around but he feels he hasn’t yet managed to crack the thin layer that’s there.

Harry knows that Liam and Zayn both like similar stuff, they have some things in common and they both are bit shy. But at least Liam talks to him more than Zayn, now that he’s gotten out of his shell and is more relaxed in general, thanks to Louis.

Harry wishes if he could get Zayn to talk to him more, it itches him and something compels him to see what’s inside his heart. He wants to fucking know him, see what goes on in his mind, what does he think about, what are his dreams, and if Zayn thinks of him.

It nearly drives Harry mad thinking about Zayn. He wants to know if he can make Zayn’s eyes sparkle like they do when he talks about comics and superheroes with Liam, or when him and Louis pranks their team and goes on their ‘adventures’, he wants to know if he can make him smile like the smile he gives Niall. Harry knows he’s smart and clever but he wants to know it all. No, he fucking _needs_ it.

Harry needs to know if Zayn feels something different too when he shyly rubs his hand over Harry’s back before they are about to go on stage when his nerves get the best of him, if Zayn feels it too when they hug and he holds on to Harry longer and a little tighter than others, or when Zayn sometimes calls him ‘Curly’. If Zayn feels it when he touches at his dimple and pokes it which makes Harry’s smile wide and helps him calm, if he feels -- 

“What are you looking at Harold? Crisps come in packets mate or are you making it yourself?”

He almost drops the packets he’s holding at Louis voice, surprisingly so close to him, loud and booming in the otherwise silent room. He didn’t even noticed Louis coming in.

“Nothing,” Harry stammers trying to not look shocked.

Louis eyes him suspiciously before he turns his gaze out the window where Harry was staring and then back to Harry, squinting his sharp eyes trying to read him but after looking at him for few minutes he just nods without saying anything if he’s noticed.

“Well, let’s go then. There are hungry people out there mate!” Louis exclaims.

He picks up the Oreos, a bag of gummy bears and chocolates before turning around and gesturing Harry to follow him out.

Harry looks up at all the boys eyeing them as they both come out and as he goes around to his chair. His eyes unconsciously wander over to see Zayn looking at him.

“There you are!” Niall takes two bags of crisps from Harry and passes one over to Liam.

Harry takes his sit next to Zayn giving him one of the packets and adjusting the blanket over his body.

“You okay, babe?” Zayn pats Harry on his shoulder after watching him be quiet and pouting for a while. “Did something happen?”

Harry turns his head to look at Zayn, his eyes wide in shock and mouth open, and his cheeks feel getting warm.

“You called me _babe_!” he whispers.

“It’s like… like it’s no big deal,” Zayn shrugs, trying to conceal the slip of the endearment. “Like…I call everyone that, yeah.”

“No, you don’t,” Harry says, softly. He is blushing and he prays that no one is paying attention to them.

Harry remembers Zayn calling his sisters that when they came to one of their shows and few of the fans. But he has never used it to call any one of them and at that he feels giddy and maybe like _special._

Zayn just shrugs and a sheepish grin adorns his face when he looks back at Harry. And Harry can see Zayn flush; he takes his time as he notices how the orange-yellow light from the fire casts a warm glow over his face and how heavenly he looks. His eyes flickering the gold and Harry finds himself getting lost in them, and the loud beating of his heart drowns the sound of whatever conversation the boys are on about.

His heart keeps beating in his chest like a bird wanting to set free and soar. The pounding of his heart doesn’t die down even as the night goes on with the boys chatting and joking, and all of them eventually heading to their rooms.

It doesn’t die hours after when he lies down quiet and still, next to Zayn that night as they are sharing the bed, and he fears that Zayn might hear it in the silence.

And it doesn’t when his mouth fall open in silent gasp when he feels Zayn’s fingers caress his own, gently stroking over his hand and it doesn’t until it’s the only thing he feels before slowly drifting to sleep.

And that touch is the first thing he remembers when the boys wake them up the next morning.

*

It’s a fucking whirlwind, a gigantic rollercoaster ride. The one Harry can’t seem to wrap his head around when they start the tour.

It’s been a great so far and the fan’s response is one of the best they’ve gotten. It feels crazy how in no time they are selling arenas worldwide for their first tour. Fans are the best part of it all and Harry feels so proud of them, for the support they show for them and their music.

Since being with the band for over a year now they all are pretty set. Harry gets on with Louis really well and had almost from the band started and now he is his best mate. He started hanging with Liam and Niall and golfing with him and he enjoys their time more, he spends quiet time having random conversations with Zayn on every topic possible when they are sharing a room and just chilling.

They all have fun backstage and in rehearsals. They pass time running around, making silly jokes, messing about in costume fittings and playing football and games, and pulling pranks on security. And then they have an amazing time on stage performing.

Show after show it’s getting better and better.

They all are backstage before one of the shows when Harry messes around with the security while as usual when Liam and Louis are getting ready with Lou doing their hair after Caroline and her assistants have helped them getting dressed up. Someone plays the ‘Jessie’s girl’ on the speaker and Harry starts dancing around shirtless in his skinny jeans laughing and making his own steps.

Niall guffaws from where he’s perched on the sofa with Zayn smiling at him, and before Harry registers what he’s doing, he pulls Zayn off the couch to dance with him and Zayn does. He willingly gets up and dances with Harry and it makes Harry laugh with delight not caring when Niall doubles over laughing.

And so now it’s just become their thing. Harry and Zayn got their own song that they always dance to when they’re backstage getting ready. And Harry’s heart soars every time he watches Zayn dance, making silly faces with him and Harry decides that Zayn’s smile is his favourite when Zayn looks all loose, soft, and giggly and his eyes shining bright.

*

After one of the shows Louis, Niall and Liam decides to go out but Zayn declines because he doesn’t feel like going out tonight and Harry says that he isn’t feeling like it, so he will stay back too. They all leave them be, calling out names and saying how boring they are but Zayn just shrugs smiling saying ‘It’s cool’ and Louis just shakes his head at that before Zayn and Harry starts to head back to their rooms.

“Wanna come over and watch a movie?” Zayn asks, just when Harry’s about to walk past him towards his own room next to his.

“Yeah, okay!” Harry says, turning to look at Zayn, smiling from ear to ear. He closes the short distance and stands shuffling on his feet next to Zayn as he opens the door swiping the keycard in.

“Wait! I’ll be right back.” Harry gasps loudly just as he steps inside after Zayn like he suddenly remembered something.

“Oaky… I’ll leave the door unlocked,” Zayn furrows his brow as he watches Harry run to his room.

Harry strolls in after about five minutes, watching Zayn stubbing out the cigarette.

“What’s that?” Zayn nods to the box in Harry’s hand as Harry flashes him a grin.

“So… like my friend got a tattoo gun for me.” Harry walks over to the table by the side of the bed and sets it on top of it. “Umm… it felt like a good time to do it. So I thought maybe we could use it,” Harry says chewing on his bottom lip.

“Yeah, that’s cool!” Zayn says going over to where Harry is opening the box.

“So you want to do it?” Harry asks.

“I suppose, yeah. We’ll do it if you want.”

“Well then what do you have in mind for the first one, Z?”

Actually, Harry has been wondering about this since the day he and Zayn talked about it once. But it’s first time for both of them to be getting a tattoo as well as doing it on someone. They randomly think of all the things that they want as their first but after a lot of options they choose the simplest one Zayn picks, which they can do on each other.

“Why the cross?” Harry flinches at the first contact of the needle on his skin.

Zayn strokes the thin skin near his ankle with the thumb of his free hand.

“It’s like a screw… for like grounding us together or something.” Zayn gently swipes at the extra ink from the first line. “And it’s fucking easy enough for you to not fuck it up on my skin,” Zayn says smirking.

“Heeeyyyyy!” Harry whines.

Harry laughs quietly, looking down at Zayn, trying not to move when he continues still holding his leg. The buzzing sound of the tattoo gun is filling in the room and Harry thinks he can look at Zayn forever like this if he’ll let him, all focused and beautiful.

Harry takes in the way Zayn’s lashes delicately fans over his cheeks like wings of a bird, his eyebrows strong and furrowed, and his hair feathered and falling over his eyes as he leans over his ankle and Harry nearly runs his fingers through it.

But he doesn’t and has a hard time resisting the urge to do just that, to feel it slip through his fingertips and he almost shudders thinking about it, feeling his skin burn where Zayn is touching it.

“You okay babe?” Zayn looks up at Harry. “Does it hurt too much?”

Harry feels his breath go shallow and heavy when he realizes how close their faces actually are that he can clearly see the freckle in Zayn’s eye near his iris, a concern clear in his eyes and his brow furrowed. And Harry could almost count the lashes as he blinks at him waiting. And a breath goes out of him. 

“Nah, I’m fine,” Harry whispers.

Zayn nods and gets back to work and Harry is again reminded that whatever he was feeling for Zayn, whatever that was bubbling and would resurface occasionally is stronger than he realized. He thought he’d managed to keep it under control and that he was on track to not mess it up between them, but he doesn’t feel so sure anymore, feeling that it wasn’t so temporary than he’d let on.

It didn’t go anywhere, whatever it is, it’s there and it’s still fucking _there._

Harry doesn’t know how he managed to do tattoo on Zayn without melting from all the warmth he was feeling through his body, under his veins.

Liam, Niall and Louis get back and they seek Zayn and Harry out in the room later, filling them in on all the details of their night out, how much fun it was and the mishap how Liam got drenched in beer, and then they find both, Harry and Zayn, branded in ink.

When they are asked about it in the next interview, as Zayn answers Harry feels his cheeks flush as he still could feel his skin burn where Zayn touched him.

*****

It’s a whole different deal on stage now. Harry tries to interact with as many fans as possible, he and Niall make their own dance routine for some songs. He sprays water and throws water on fans.

With Zayn it’s fire out there when they perform, grinding and grabbing at each other as the fans goes crazy. Both of them all over each other with Zayn taking part in Harry’s every quirk on stage. Harry doesn’t miss how their glances and touches now lingering than before, making Harry’s skin feel like set on fire, warm, burning and achy.

Harry is now hyper aware of Zayn’s gaze on him when they’re on stage, of Zayn’s every move and they gravitate towards each other easily, and as he walks by they touch, smiling.

When they all interact with fans mid-show, Zayn whispers in Harry’s ear, his mind more onto the feel of Zayn’s warm breath on his skin than on what he’s actually saying as he feels Zayn’s hand stroke his back down slowly; and a heady want rushes through Harry. And he literally has to think of something else to not embarrass himself in front of thousands of people there; the pull between them stronger than ever.

And after a while all the teasing, lingering touches and the heavy gaze continue backstage too, in the corners, in the dark hallways. Trying to be subtle and sneaky when they find themselves around each other lately, Zayn smirking triumphantly every single time when he gets the reaction out of Harry when his hands slowly rubs his back or nipples.

Harry doesn’t know what exactly is happening or where it’s going to go, what will happen, but he enjoys the attention Zayn gives him. They don’t say anything about it when Liam and Louis shake their heads at them like they’re crazy but it all leaves him wanting more and breathless at the thought of it and what it could mean nonetheless.

*

Whatever that’s been going on with him and Zayn, it all becomes too heavy for Harry to breathe and control himself to not act dumb in his presence.

It happens when he wakes up from a dream, a wet dream to be exact. A dream that felt so fucking realistic that he woke up from it, wet all over him like he’s a thirteen year old boy.

And the problem is that he remembers it. Zayn had him bend over the back of a couch in one of their _many_ hotel rooms. Their clothes all over the floor, fucking him so hard and vigorously, gripping his waist until Harry came with a loud cry and Zayn groaning his name.

And as Harry sits there on the bed griping the sheet in his fists, he still can feel his heart pounding and his skin flushed and sweaty. Shaking to the core from the dream and Harry hates the feeling that he can still hear Zayn’s voice calling his fucking name as he came.

Harry feels unsettled, small and miserable about it, and how wrong it is as he tries to understand. He doesn’t know what to think and feel. Should he be embarrassed for having a dream about his fucking bandmate like that? Is it wrong that he liked it? That he wants to really do it because it felt so _right_.

It’s fucking confusing as hell for Harry to get a grip

*

Harry doesn’t know how to act around Zayn now that he almost saw Zayn fucking him and he liked it. He can’t stop thinking about it, about kissing Zayn, wanting to see how good he must taste, if he’d grab his hair like he did in his dream. How good it would feel to have him inside himself, if he’ll open him up gently like he runs his hands through his curls, taking his time.

If he likes it hard and rough too, he wants to see Zayn breathless and making those noises and calling Harry like he did in the dream. Harry wants to see how soft his lips are, he wants to fucking eat the smile off his face; the way his tongue pushes behind his teeth when he smiles.

Harry has never thought like this about any boy ever before, other than Zayn. He’d never wanted to see how being with a guy would feel like before Zayn, he’d never wanted to be kissed by one passionately like he’d seen Zayn kissing girls.

And it happens a lot now as he catches himself staring at Zayn, at his eyes and his pink lips looking more vibrant because of his dark stubble, wanting Zayn in every way.

It leaves him sweating and almost hard even as they all just sit around like they normally do when they practice or before a show and his hands shake wanting to touch and to feel him, just a fucking taste. And it fucking scares him.

Then he has to leave, away from Zayn ignoring it, as it gets hard to breathe, everything spinning.

*

“What’s going on, Haz?” Zayn asks, watching Harry not acknowledging him for a while as he dresses up after his shower. Harry has been acting a bit odd around him and Zayn doesn’t know what has happened, and it bugs him to see Harry get like this particularly when they are sharing a room.

“Nothing.”

“It’s something! Why are you acting like this?”

Harry shrugs continuing jotting something down in his journal; the very first one Zayn gave him as a gift.

Harry can almost feel Zayn fuming as he paces in front of where Harry is sitting, his breathing heavy and his hands in fists by his side but Harry doesn’t look up at him. It’s difficult but he is trying his best to not do anything stupid like grab Zayn’s face and kiss him. Because he thought his crush on Zayn would go away but that isn’t the case anymore.

He doesn’t want to let himself be away from Zayn but he doesn’t want to mess it all up because of his stupid feelings and desire. He doesn’t want to let Zayn feel as if he’s neglecting him but he has to do it.

“You ready Zayno?” Louis’s voice breaks the silence when he enters their room just as Zayn was about to speak. 

“Whateves! Yeah, let’s go mate,” Zayn says glaring at Harry before Louis can say anything else.

Harry almost feels Zayn’s eyes burning holes in his skin before Louis and him leave. Harry finally looks up when the stomping of Zayn’s boots fades and he lets out a long exhale, feeling his body giving out suddenly, feeling like a puppet cut from string as he plops down on the couch groaning in frustration as he buries his face in it.

*

It’s harder than he’d thought but Harry thinks he’s doing a good job so far of controlling himself seeing as he still hasn’t done anything stupid or hasn’t thrown himself at Zayn yet.

After an incredible show they all decide to go out and celebrate, they had a great show and are still feeling the after show buzz and their body thrumming so they run off to their rooms to get dressed so they all can leave soon. Once Harry’s ready he pats at his pockets checking for his phone, wallet and keycard before he heads out.

They all meet at the parking at the back entrance of the hotel with security as decided earlier. They pile up in two cars with their security guys and Paul with them. Harry and Zayn end up in a car with Liam while Niall and Louis take the other car.

Zayn and Harry have been okay so far and are slowly getting on track like before but sometimes he could feel Zayn staring at him as if he could read him, see through him and literally see what he’s been hiding through the façade he puts on.

There’s a sudden jolt and they brace themselves against front seat, Harry almost hitting his head on the headrest. “Whoa!” Liam exclaims when Harry in reflex puts his hand on Zayn’s knee to stable himself.

“You okay?” Zayn asks as he puts hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“Yeah.” Harry mumbles giving Zayn a small smile when he watches him return it, his eyes crinkled and then he nods and Harry feels at ease after so long.

They arrive at the club pretty quickly and they all go straight over to the VIP section. They all get pissed drunk dancing to the music, base banging low and loud in the club. Louis and Liam hit the bar and Niall chats and dances around with group of girls he spotted earlier.

Harry is prettily drunk and enjoying as he chats up a girl. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, just a cordial conversation, moving around to music, the girls wanting attention and flirting.

He notices Zayn watching him, sitting on the couch with his hands on his knees, a glass in one hand in the corner of their section. He looks hot, his stare blazing and Harry’s stomach flips at the intense gaze.

There’s something heavy and strange around him and Zayn. Harry can’t quite put a finger on it but he can feel it, he has been feeling it lately. He can feel it in Zayn’s gaze too as they catch their eyes over some girl’s head dancing with him, he takes another swig and keeps dancing with her, he feels weak and sweating as he looks to the side and his eyes keep flicking over to meet Zayn’s every now and then, watching him move.

He feels Zayn’s presence just as the girl leaves when he says they can just dance and he’s not interested in anything else.

And Harry can feel the heat of Zayn’s palm through the fabric of his t-shirt when Zayn comes up behind him and slips his hand on his hip and gently pulls him back to him as they sway.

Harry’s heart pounds in his cage. He panics and is surprised at Zayn’s action even when he knows that it’s dark and that nobody is paying attention to them. And if anyone sees, well he prays that it might just look like they are close because they can’t hear each other because of loud music.

“You gonna take that bird back?” Zayn says.

“No,” Harry shakes his head, managing to say in a voice barely above a whisper. He shivers feeling Zayn’s lips brush his earlobe, his heart beating louder than the bass from the speakers.

Harry feels Zayn pressing his body more into his back at that and his own hips push back instinctively where he can feel Zayn is hard in his jeans. His breath goes shallow at the thought of where this might go, where he really would like it to go.

Harry gulps as Zayn grinds his hips slowly from behind him, Zayn’s warm breath on his neck making him want to turn and kiss the fuck out of him. The feelings and his hard on restraining in his pants is making him want to do something reckless, making him go wild, and he just wants to be consumed by Zayn in every way, on every level, more than he’s been before.

But Harry knows he can’t do anything but control himself right now, he can’t risk it even if the lights are low for anyone to notice them.

**“** Want to leave the–” 

“Yeah,” Harry cuts him off turning to look at him, nodding hurriedly before Zayn can finish. And then he feels Zayn tug at his hand to follow him.

Harry’s fingers twitch at the anticipation as he follows Zayn out in the low light, already feeling heavy and sweating as they both head out, their security following behind when Zayn gestures to them making sure that no one sees them as they left.

Harry can feel the tension between them when they finally sit in the backseat of the car, the partition rolled up. His own arousal is coursing as he feels the heat radiating from Zayn’s body and Zayn has his hand around his waist, his fingers caressing his skin ever so slightly. He’s thankful that the windows are tinted and no photographers are there or it would have been a mess to deal with.

His cheeks feel warm and his fingers clench at the leather of the seat when he feels Zayn’s hand dip lower at the top of his jeans and he feels his chest heaving, his mouth parted trying to gain his bearing when Zayn teases at the skin there.

After the seemingly long car ride when they get in the elevator it takes all his strength to not strip right there in the elevator and touch or kiss Zayn, drunk and want clouding up their mind as they wait for it to get to their floor.

But once they are inside their room after Harry sliding the keycard in the slot with shaking hands, Harry barely has any time before Zayn presses him back to door, making it click shut and he is staring deep into Harry’s eyes, his gaze lowering down to Harry’s lips and back to his eyes again.

And Harry’s not sure who leans in first but then they are kissing and he feels like his heart stopped beating for a second. It’s a sweet but a passionate kiss and Harry wants more and he has wanted it for so long.

They look at each other wide eyed, like they find it hard to believe it’s happening, Harry wants this and he lets something settle in his mind for a bit before he grabs Zayn’s face in his hands and he is leaning for another kiss. He’s gone, fucking melting into the kiss when a moan slips out his mouth. 

Now their kisses are heated and not so sweet anymore, their hands all over each other when Harry feels Zayn lick slightly over his lower lip and his lips part for him and then Zayn’s tongue is softly touching his; warm and wet.

Harry’s fingers twists in Zayn’s hair, tugging at it when Zayn grinds his hips into Harry and the fucking sound that comes out of Zayn’s mouth makes Harry weak in the knees. Zayn swallows the gasp leaving Harry’s lips when he explores his mouth, tasting him as he licks at the roof of his mouth humming into the kiss.

Zayn taste amazing, Harry notes, a mix of a smoke and the strong taste of the drink he was sipping on and claiming the way Zayn nips at his lips and Harry moans when Zayn grinds again harder, thrusting a little and his hands holding Harry. “Zayn.”

“Yeah.”

And then they can’t control their hands grabbing at each other and tugging at their clothes, as they stumble towards the bed stopping in the middle to kiss some more.

“Zayn, bed… b-bed,” Harry says against his mouth when they starts undressing.

Harry takes off the jacket from Zayn’s shoulder throwing it behind him somewhere before he’s popping the button on Zayn’s jeans, undoing the zip and Zayn steps out of them as he pushes the jeans down. Harry stares at him, looking at the tattoos and his defined abs as he’s now just in his boxer after taking his shirt off.

Zayn kisses Harry then and tugs at the hem of his t-shirt while Harry runs his hand over his bare back. He throws Harry’s t-shirt over his shoulder and he’s trailing kisses down his jaw and neck, he tugs down at his jeans after unzipping it and smirks at Harry when he sees how hard Harry is in his pants.

Harry’s face gets red and he reaches for him wanting to taste him again and they kiss hungrily, moaning into each other’s mouth when they finally rid themselves of their boxers before falling onto the bed.

Harry is already breathless when Zayn kisses his jaw and over his cheeks, then he trails kisses toward his neck, licking and biting. Zayn grinds his hips down and Harry shudders when their hard on rubs together.

“Have you done this before?” Zayn asks kissing at Harry’s neck and shoulder. He’s not sure why but he’s dreading what Harry’s answer will be.

Harry beneath him with his hair splayed on a pillow, cheeks flushed and his lips red from kissing and biting and _so_ pink, it’s almost distracting how gorgeous he looks. And Zayn can’t resist kissing him, so he leans down and kisses him again long and deep.

“No, like…” Harry mumbles as Zayn dazedly traces patterns over his chest and side in long strokes.

“What?” Zayn asks in between kisses across Harry’s chest.

“Like… I- I tried it by myself,” Harry says panting when Zayn licks a line under his jaw up to his ear.

“So you got stuff?”

“Yeah… it’s in my bag...” Harry moans loud when Zayn kisses and licks at his left nipple

Zayn wastes no time and goes to find the lube and condom, easily spotting them in one of the little pockets in Harry’s overnight bag.

Zayn throws them on bed before he leans over Harry crawling back into bed when he comes back. He feels like he’s in trance as he places soft kisses at Harry’s ankles; first left and then right and parts his leg to make a room for himself. He kisses over his leg, licking on the soft skin behind Harry’s knee up to his inner thighs, while softly rubbing his thumb on the other one as he bites and lick over the pink bruise blooming on the skin.

Harry’s breath hitches, his hands clenching the sheets by his side at the feeling of Zayn kissing top of his thigh and then on the jut of his hipbones, across his hips; avoiding the place where he wants Zayn to touch him the most. Zayn’s breath tickles his skin making him squirm. The feelings making him dizzier than the drink he had earlier.

“What do you want babe?” Zayn asks, his chest heaving and his voice low and _velvety_ against Harry’s ear. And Harry feels like he can’t catch his breath.

Harry is panting, he groans squirming as Zayn touches his dick ever so slightly, running his knuckles over the head, and Harry feels himself get wet.

“Want your…” Harry murmurs finding it hard to concentrate, his mind screaming from the tease, the way Zayn is touching him. He wants to come and it’s not enough to do at the same time. “Want your fingers… Want you,” he finally whispers.

Harry opens his eyes when he hears the lid of the bottle snapping open, he watches as Zayn coat two of his fingers with it. Harry feels dizzy and hot already when he feels the first touch of Zayn’s finger over his entrance rubbing in circle, touching him where nobody has touched him. Ever.

Zayn kisses him; tongue lapping at Harry’s and he breathes loudly as Zayn applies more pressure and slightly pushing the tip of his finger in the tight muscle.

Zayn slowly start moving his finger in and out at first. His breathing is gone heavy and he feels himself leak precome because of the tightness around his finger. He leans down and kisses Harry’s nipple, flicking his tongue over it while he opens Harry up earnestly.

“Zayn!” Harry moans, tangling his fingers in Zayn’s hair. His head is spinning and he can’t keep still when Zayn adds second finger working him open slowly and steadily up to the three, moving them inside Harry, scissoring and lightly brushing them over at the bundle of nerves when he curls them.

“Thought of you…” Zayn kisses and licks along Harry’s collarbones and neck, tasting the salty skin, his breathing stuttering when he feels Harry clench around his fingers and Harry’s fingers digging in his back.

Harry inhales sharply at Zayn’s words.

“Me too…” Harry arches his back and his hips move back down on Zayn’s fingers, aroused at what Zayn said and remembering how he fingered himself and jerked off to Zayn after that fucking dream. When Harry couldn’t take his mind off him, and nothing else would do it for him anymore, coming hard just at the thought of him.

Harry feels hot, his mind reeling already. He watches Zayn with hooded eyes, there’s sweat glistening on his forehead, his hair disheveled and soft, their bodies searing hot, Zayn looks breathtaking like this, unreal even. Zayn always does, but this is so different, this moment, new and raw, two of them here like this, it’s too intimate.

Harry leans up to kiss him then, he has to and Zayn gives in easily when Harry curls his hand around back of his neck to pull him down, their teeth biting at the lips, tongues sliding over each other, and it’s fucking too much to wait.

“I’m ready… now -” Harry gasps shoving lightly at Zayn.

“Yeah, yeah.” Zayn slowly takes his fingers out, nodding frantically like he can’t help it, his eyes locked on Harry’s.

Then fast as anything Zayn is rolling the condom on, he lubes up and strokes himself, moaning at the touch. He is so hard he can’t wait to feel Harry.

And it’s frantic when Zayn leans over Harry again, his cheeks heat up and he feels so turned on as Zayn spreads his thighs wider. Zayn holds himself up with one hand by Harry’s head and guiding himself at his entrance by the other. He watches Harry closely, taking in the way his eyes flutter when he feels Zayn at his rim pushing in, his lips parted beautifully.

Zayn kisses Harry’s quivering lips as he slides in. They wait for Harry to adjust to the stretch and Zayn is losing his mind at the tight heat around him, it’s fucking hard but he waits for Harry to get used to the fullness, to tell him when– he gets out of his thought when he feels Harry roll his hips, a whine escaping his mouth.

Zayn leans down and kisses Harry, nipping at his lips as he starts moving his hips, groaning at the feeling. He keeps a steady rhythm, going as deep as he can before drawing his hips back and thrusting in again.

Harry wraps his legs around Zayn’s waist and his muscles clench when Zayn hits at the right spot. it’s electric, making him see white behind his eyes.

Zayn’s lips travel the line of his clavicle, placing sloppy kisses and nipping his skin and it’s overwhelming, he feels like he’s about to explode as he thrusts hard into Harry.

“ _Fuck, Zayn_ … kiss me,” Harry murmurs against his ear. His fingers claw into Zayn’s back, marking him.

Zayn’s grip gets firmer on Harry’s waist, blunt nails digs in the soft skin making crescent shapes. He thrust his tongue and licks at Harry’s mouth with fervour, wet and slick.

Harry throws his head back when Zayn’s speeds up and fucks the moan out of Harry at every thrust, rocking together. Harry’s close, so fucking close on the edge and it’s an effort to keep his eyes open but he wants to see Zayn.

He watches Zayn as their eyes lock, heavy and want present in them, and the way low groans come out Zayn’s lips, Harry reaches up and traces the curve of it. His own breath catches in his throat when Zayn takes the tip of his finger in his mouth, sucking on it before letting it go.

“Fuckin’ beautiful,” Zayn groans in his ear panting as he thrusts relentlessly. Harry moans loud when Zayn speeds up and changes his angle. Zayn grips firm onto Harry’s hips as he fucks in harder, the muscles in his stomach tightening and heat soaring in his veins.

“I’m close, close…” Harry breathes out.

He looks down where they meet, curve to curve, skin on skin, Zayn’s eyes like honey. When Zayn touches him, his hand matching his thrusts Harry comes. His back arching off the bed, his eyes rolling back as the visions of brown and pale skin mingling blurs behind it and he chases the sensation.

He comes and comes, his mind focused only on the feeling of Zayn, everywhere, inside him, his mind and his fucking heart.

Holding Zayn close like he doesn’t want to let go, zero space between them and it feels like he’ll never stop, like he’s a star exploding until he’s nothing left, until he can’t breathe.

“Breathe, babe… Haz-” Zayn grunts when he feels it, feels Harry pulling him in and finally his hips stutter moving sloppily and he barely manages few thrust before he comes when Harry licks at the sensitive skin under his ear and his body keeps pressing them into mattress, his face pushed into the crook of Harry’s neck.

Zayn holds Harry tight like he can’t let go either, as Harry strokes Zayn’s back tenderly as he comes down, where he left the marks not even few minutes earlier, red and reminding.

They ride out their high and lay there still as their breathing goes back to normal, Harry’s fingers running through Zayn’s hair down to his back and slowly up, stroking up and down, up and down, blinking open his eyes when Zayn slowly pulls out. They kiss, just a touch of the lips too spent from exhaustion.

“That was…” Harry starts as he looks at Zayn in wonder when he lifts his face to look at him.

“Yeah…” Zayn nods, getting what Harry means.

As he comes down, when he comes to himself, he doesn’t know what to think. He thinks that whatever was happening between them for weeks was maybe building up to this. He knows this is what it was leading up to but he’s not sure what the future holds now. Even after being fucked out of his mind, all loose limbed, and sated but his mind just doesn’t shut up. He is drunk and confused and he just wants to sleep and it’s all too much to think over and he doesn’t want to, not right now when Zayn is there.

Harry doesn’t want to think because he doesn’t want to know what will happen now, what does this all really mean, where it will lead them, or what if it was just a onetime thing.

He for sure knows that they’ve crossed the line now but which he doesn’t know. So he squashes down the voice inside him telling _Zayn is yours and you are Zayn’s_ _now_ to the back of his mind. And he wills his breathing to match Zayn’s until sleep takes over him.

*

The next few weeks Harry feels a little awkward not knowing how to approach Zayn, how he should act around him. They don’t talk about it and the days go by quickly when he drowns himself in work. It’s not that he didn’t like it, because he did, he wanted it and gave in.

But it’s a lot for him to keep the feelings at bay when they are together in a room full of people, knowing how it felt, the skip in his heartbeat he feels when Zayn catches his eyes and sets him on fire.

It’s then when he realizes that people don’t know about that night, between him and Zayn, that his heart won’t settle, doesn’t settle until they end up kissing behind the rehearsal room in a corner in the dark, lips insistent and hands holding on desperately.

Then it happens over and over again like some barrier has broken, whenever they get time they end up together, avoiding every other person for the time being, forcing their way through the lad’s nights when the desire and want for each other is too much to resist.

They end up doing it in every way possible, sucking each other off, Zayn fucking Harry against a wall and the table in the hotel room, Harry on his back making Zayn come on him, on his tattoo on his fucking stomach, painting it white and Harry sucking it off of Zayn’s finger when he traces it over his lips, smiling when Harry mimics to bite it.

*

Harry wonders what they are, but he still doesn’t ask, doesn’t say much. He supposes their time is measured, he fears it will end and he really doesn’t want it to so he tries not to think about it when they end up in beds and showers washing and cleaning after.

He doesn’t like to think; when they just graze their fingers in passing when they don’t have much time, and maybe just because they want to, like they can’t help it, hopping from country to country and when Zayn holds him close and kisses him softly, careful and sweet until he takes his worries away.

Harry is being painfully aware of his feelings for Zayn, he’s now aware that he’ been falling for him, that what they are doing, whatever it is between them means far too much to him.

He doesn’t even pull that much now when they go out, he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t initiate when people flirt with him. It doesn’t feel right anymore, nobody gets him like Zayn does, the way he holds and makes him fall apart and Harry doesn’t feel that connection with random people now to taint it with giving in to anyone. 

So when Niall and Louis laugh slurring ‘Who are you and what have you done to Styles’ he just shrugs and brushes them off, now that Zayn occupies his mind and heart more and more every day.

*

As their tour is about to come to an end and they have few TV performances scheduled at the end of the year when the new album ‘Take me Home’ releases Harry feels it’s the happiest he’s been in past two years.

The time Harry spends with Zayn is fucking amazing, it’s always mesmerizing to see Zayn when he’s open and vulnerable, when they both are just same, pushing and pulling and lost into each other. It’s another version of Zayn that Harry adores, all soft and mussed up, half awake after when he smokes on the balcony in the middle of the night, moonlight washing over his skin.

Harry loves it too when he watches Zayn from where he lays under the soft covers dazed and sleepy, his heart full and skin painted in Zayn, he walks over and kisses him as if he can read Harry’s thoughts.

Harry lives in the bubble of their safe place when he’s with Zayn, not wanting to look ahead but embrace it while he still can.

Until they happen to meet Perrie. And it all becomes even more confusing.

*

“No! Haz- ” Zayn cuts off Harry ranting mid sentence. He pauses to take a long inhale not knowing what to say to calm Harry down. “You know what’s it like… yeah.”

Harry knows but he doesn’t ‘date’ the girls he hangs out with. He just frowns at that, it’s been difficult for him to see Zayn having a girlfriend, despite whatever Zayn might say on the matter he is always fuming inside. It annoys Harry when he sees Perrie with Zayn on tour with them. It makes him roll his eyes when Zayn says it’s nothing yet they are all over each other. Harry isn’t sure now where does this lead them to.

Harry is happy only when they perform or when they are working, because it’s the only time where him and Zayn can have fun and enjoy in front of people and he feels peaceful by forgetting the problems for a while.

He just tries to enjoy it all until the next tour starts next year.

On stage in full excitement Harry can do whatever he want with Zayn, he can laugh along and dance with him and prance around so that’s exactly what he does and most important thing he gets to relish Zayn’s entrancing laugh when he’s enjoying it too.

*

Harry feels great when the ‘TMH’ tour starts. He’s excited to perform new set and new songs.

Harry had been waiting for the tour to start after the release of the second album. He had been craving Zayn’s company despite them having some problems after the dating situation. He missed him even when they were not on a break for that long because they were promoting the album in November-December and were about to go on tour in February.

Now they are nearly halfway through TMH tour and to Harry the past few months felt completely their world, the attraction and the sparks between Zayn and him, that ‘candy thong’ thing, and the whispers and touches gave Harry life and he felt that somehow they were getting closer.

And they fall into the old pattern all on their own after a long time, like light and shadow, where one goes the other follows. He never asks Zayn what it is between them, what is between him and Perrie or if she knows. They don’t talk about it and Zayn doesn’t hint at it.

So instead Harry desperately holds onto the thing they have, every little moment they can have together. Trying to hold onto even a tiny amount of love he can because he’s always feared the time is ticking away leaving him empty.

It goes on like that but Harry won’t deny he feels jealous and petty. He found himself acting petulantly because he feels threatened of the fact that Zayn has a girlfriend and the thought of them becoming serious fucking stresses him out. He couldn’t understand how to handle the situation and himself.

And so he storms off whenever there’s nothing left to say when they have their arguments, scribbling away the things he can’t say in his shitty journal just to get away from Zayn and Perrie’s topic whenever they all are together on the bus or backstage.

Nothing stops Harry’s mind going off. He quietly sits there in between everyone chattering away, pouring his heart out, penning down the lyrics in the blank pages. And sometimes alone when it’s becomes too much, black ink smudging at the end when he can be himself without putting up a fucking wall to his feelings.

*

Harry feels his adoration and love for Zayn growing stronger anyway and sometimes he suspects Zayn feels it too and that it really is more than what they let on. So they kiss and mess around all the while Harry trying to disguise his true feelings and hide the misery, because what more he can do.

Despite all this he is a fool for Zayn, for their love, blindly following his heart even if it rips him apart. His heart screaming ‘ _mine,mine,mine_ – _I was there first, I’m his’_ every time he watches them together.

And at one evening his own words rings in his ears - _I know I'm not your only…_ when he reads the text he receives that day.

‘Zayn got engaged to Perrie’ displayed on the fucking screen and his phone almost slips out of his hand. He is dumbfounded. He feels the world falling apart. The words feel like burning his eyesight and the ground crumbling beneath his feet.

Harry had never felt true heartbreak, he’d never experienced it until he got that fucking text, when he saw a shining rock placed on Perrie’s finger, when he finally saw them at the red carpet.

It pains him, he feels devastated as his stomach turns feeling uneasy, to see her show it off to the world, happy and knowing what’s her future looks like with _Zayn_. Proudly claiming it all in front of everyone while all he’s left to do is - tweet and delete his agony and frustrations not realizing how it will be perceived, but not before the damage is done - mostly to his heart.

*

Can’t Love. Can’t Hurt.

+

Harry sighs shifting around a little in his seat.

“But how did you know, mum? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I just had an intuition. I saw how you looked at each other and how your eyes would sparkle whenever his name came into our conversation. Or the way you talked about him.” his mum says, gently rubbing Harry’s shoulder before she continues. “I always felt there’s something between you two that you don’t tell me but I didn’t want to force you, so I never asked.”

Harry hears her sigh. He tries not to shed tears threatening to spill at the corner of his eyes at her words and the memories, as he blinks to focus on the green outside the window. He must be in more control with himself and his emotions, but this is a sore subject and finally letting it out in front of her is too much.

“I’m sorry I never told you,” he says, fiddling with his rings in his lap.

“It’s fine, Harry. Don’t be sorry. I wanted you to tell me whenever you’re ready.”

“I wanted to, but I just- and now everything is…”

“I understand, love. I mentioned it just now because it hurts me to see you like this. I understand how hard it must have been for you and for Zayn too.” She says hearing Harry’s dejected voice.

“I still love him, mum.” Harry’s voice comes out groggy at the end when he speaks after a moment and he sniffles burying his face more in her shoulder.

Harry knows he will always love Zayn. He is his first love and Harry knows for a fact that he won’t ever be able to love anyone like he loves Zayn. Not even close to the level his love runs for Zayn. He learned so much about the world and himself with Zayn by his side, and because of him, he understands what love is, and what it means to him.

“I know, Harry,” she says and kisses the top of his head. “Have faith, love. Everything will be alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from I wont mind by Zayn.  
> And the tweet mentioned is Harry's.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and leave kudos if you liked it, thank you for reading!!!


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